Cold Days - I'm 43

My unemployment ran out a month ago. I'm already in school, already on the dean's list. But this time of winter is usually the slow season for freelance. Less productions happen because, well because nobody likes to work in the bitter cold. But really, how is it you see people walking around like it's another day when it's -15? You get used to it. Here's a couple Minnesota Cold Secrets:

• Once it gets below 0, it all feels the same. -35 degrees feels the same as -5 degrees.
  
• We're all fat , we ritually add a layer during the holidays to keep us warm.
  

However, January 2008 has been unusually productive (not quite profitable) and affirms the massive amount of capital needed to start my flash/web design career, along with rebuilding my G5. Being productive usually makes me happy. But stepping back from myself (how does one do that?) I have seen that I am more irritated, almost all the time. Things that I might openly complain about when they happen around me, I first think about how to frame it in a diplomatic way, delay the response, then when the time is right, release the irritation through humour.


The more Self-Deprecating I am, the more Self-Esteem I have.

When I am directing, I nervously jump into master of ceremonies mode, and become a comedian. This helps keep the crew happy, but also has landed me in trouble when a wisecrack about the talent gets around (not that they didn't deserve it). Most of the time what I do when I'm in charge is expose my faults. I apologise to the satellite people because I don't know enough about the technology to understand why there is breakup. That kind of thing. Directing live shoots are fun because it's the closest I'll get to being a submarine commander. (Nevermind). As I try to keep people's attention, I normally don't feel they are interested in what I have to say. Although this is probably not true, it helps keep my ego in line. Therefore, when I speak to others, I treat them as equals, or better. They are graciously providing their help (as many volunteers on an access shoot do), and I can only humbly beg for them to fulfill my bidding, knowing their contribution is recognised.


Tension and Release

Having spent a year working mostly by myself at home(along with my cat), now I am back in a working environment. Even though it is a technical school, I treat it exactly the same as a job. As someone who has taught classes in the past, and as someone who is the same age as the instructors in class, I cannot help but critique their performances. I may talk to the dean about my thoughts, but they are comments about improving the school experience, not about teaching styles. One thing that I think many instructors don't realise is the power of humour. Technical school can be very challenging, and for many of those that are around 20, they are in the prime of their lives, where a whirlwind of experience of life after high school is at it's peak. I frankly envy these people, especially since they are in peak physical shape as well (I was once that age, really). These people are not settled, and many have not worked out their life situations to get into the rhythm of doing homework on time. Of course, I talk from personal experience. I also get the impression that many of the instructors may have had a messy past, (possibly even being in punk bands). So it is important to release the tension of the hard work through humour. God knows, back at my last full-time job, each problem was a source for a bevy of jokes. Humour was the only thing keeping us sane.

Am I Depressed Yet?

There was an interesting bit of psycho-babble on the morning TV news about how it is common for people my age to go through a "mid-life crisis". A chart was displayed on the screen of a smiley face. You are gleefully happy until after high school, then it is all downhill from there. Once you get deep in the rut, only then do you rebound and have a golden retirement. I was convinced that I went through my mid-life crisis when I was thirty. That's when I knew that I had to get a second job while I was still struggling as a freelancer. So by my age, I have firmly placed myself where I want to be, creative bliss with little overhead. But yet, the TV is right. Even though the lady with way too much make-up didn't explain it too well, she did hit upon the fact that people who suffer from depression get it the worst around age 44. So that explains my added irritability. I figured there was something going on, because I don't need to be irritated at all. My life is exactly the same as it has been for years. It's all good. So when I think I'd like to complain, I'll save it as chance to crack a joke. As for this irritating depression, I'll ignore it.