Twelve O'Clock High

One of my favourite Gregory Peck movies is Twelve O'Clock High, an extraordinarily sharp examination of facing fear, death, and adversity. I watched it again recently, and grabbing on to one of the primary themes of the film; What is considered 'Maximum Human Effort' ? I am dealing with psychological trauma right now as a great deal of negative events have converged in a space of about two months. As much as I persevere and charge on to the next battle, I start feeling like a shell of my whole being.

I Bleed Therefore I Am
Self coaching tells me that the light at the end of the tunnel is there, it's just still too far away to see. Hope is the common term for this tight grip on a shred of future normalcy. This week, a new video client will factor in my projected downturn in business. Hope, however, is not how I feel about my web design training. I treat it like it is the basis for my survival, school work is my most important job. It's just that there is less money and longer time is needed to complete it, all the while there is an unprecedented economic collapse that is making work scarce.

Man Punishes Nature : Nature Punishes Man
In TO'CH, a young member of a bombing crew complains that he doesn't know what it's all for, seemingly giving it all up for nothing. Each day, they attempt to escape with their lives while running bombing missions over enemy territory. Meanwhile, the frame broke on my car a month ago, while still having to take care of everyday business. Earlier this week, I got a flat tire in a blizzard with 35 mph winds. Peck, the commanding officer, asks the doctor how much a single man is expected to take, being faced with the trauma of battle every day. The doctor can't answer, it's not very quantifiable.

It's Time For The Aliens To Save Us
As I sit and try to figure out a way to survive in 2009 without losing my home, I look for signs as to which connection to pursue. I have loyal clients, but some use my services but once every couple years. Who knows who will call me, along with other loyal customers who can't afford to. Things are ambiguous at the moment, and one can look at possibilities for a positive outcome. However, the last two months have shown a daily dose of stress that makes these positive outcomes ineffective.

Relax Dammit!
I always tell people your health is more important than anything. It bothers me when people abuse their bodies and know that it is unhealthy. I advocate stress relief; sleep, eat, pet the cat, take a little time away from the daily grind. For me it comes in the form of hobbies. I have need to provide my own distractions in order to take a break from the pressure. Once I have simmered down, I can take action on trying to tackle another piece of the puzzle in solving my problems.

This is rare personal entry in terms of nitpicky stuff:
-My Virgin Mobile cell phone account was suspended about two weeks ago due to mixup in the serial number of my phone and another phone. The computer thinks now that I stole the phone I purchased online from their store and has cut me off. I have spent hours now arguing with call center operators who have the audacity to make me prove that they are the ones who have screwed up. It is the analogous to "The Fugitive", where an innocent man is hounded for a crime he didn't commit.

- A month ago my car tire started to rub against the body. I soon found out the frame was broken on one side. It was like that Laurel & Hardy film where the car is constantly making a U-turn. Thankfully my mild-mannered friend Eric became "Automobile Repairman," and welded it back together using oven parts (I'm not kidding).

Eve3ything Come3 in Three3
Each problem on it's own can be dealt with, but the accumulation of these stressors takes a toll on the psyche. I lost six pounds, partially from not eating enough, but also from working outside in the bitter cold. What makes the whole mix turn into an emotional clusterf*ck is that two close friends, along with the mother of another friend, died in the past two months. I become numb to viewing yet another collage of photos from another dearly departed.

Am I Sane? (It Doesn't Help If You Have To Ask)
What exactly is the maximum one human can take alone? Where is the golden nugget of assurance that everything will work out? I must conjure it in my mind and cling to it with my very will to survive. The answer I give to myself as I face an unknown future that it can be much much worse. I do not live in a severely deprived third world country, where there is little hope for basic needs such as safety and shelter. Gregory Peck created an outside shell that forbids defeat, but the stress still was physical as well as mental trauma. A normal human being cannot help but crack at some point.


For those who wonder why I look at my life like I am a character in a movie, it helps at times like these to be Gregory Peck.

UPDATE 12/30/08: In discussion with my friend, who is currently seeing a counselor in part to make sure he is sane, thinks it is better that you ask "Am I Sane". It is worse to be obviously unbalanced and believe you are fine. If you are unable to be self-reflexive and don't have enough sense to question 'is this right?', then you probably are less likely to get help.